Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Signal

"Ah! He has chosen Coke over Kinley. It's a clear signal that he will concede 4 runs in the first ball of the first over he bowls after the Strategic Break". "But, what if he had chosen the Kinley over the Cola?". "That would have meant that he has tied up with the batsman to play a reckless shot on the 6th ball of his first over for a possible Caught and Bowled". "It's quite complex! How is it decided that the runs to be conceded is 4 and the Caught and Bowled set-up is for the 6th ball of the first over after the break".

"Not complex. Its quite simple". "It goes with the number of letters in the descriptors of the drink. Coke means 4. Pepsi is 5. Kinley is 6". "Since Gatorade has 8 letters, it never figures in the fixing".

"So how else do the players signal"? "Well, every action on the field is a signal for us to use our 'Back-N-Lay Pro' to place our bets". "The signalling follows a top-down approach". "If the Bowler runs his hands through the hair on his head it means a No Ball coming up". "He indicates that the would not use his head for that ball". "The head represents the ball, you see". "So, unless matters come to a head, the system is simple enough for us not to use our heads".

"By wiping the sweat of his left brow, the bowler indicates a wide to the On-side". "Wiping it off the right brow indicates a wide to the Off Side". "This simple signalling doesn't lead to any raised eyebrows"! "When the Bowler pouts on his run-up its a signal that the fix is on - when he purses his lips it means call not to place the bet". "Bringing out the image of this favorite deity from the inside his T on the 23 Carat gold chain is a Thumbs-Up". "Tucking it in is a signal for a no".

"What about the way the bowler rubs the ball on his, well, ba**s?". "Oh! that's one of the least used signals since it could get quite confusing". "How's that"? "Well, you see a man has several useless parts. He has an Adam's apple which isn't even an Apple. It only bobbles up and down - whereas, we are used to only side-ways movement of turning heads for a signal. His Calves will never turn into Cows. A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere. Ba**s that don't roll. Rubbing the ball is only to put his bal** to some use". "In any case, the refined term for that part where the bowler rubs the ball is call Groin". "A still more refined term is the Inguinal Region". "We prefer using this medical term, as phone tappers, more often than not cannot, figure out our reference".

"What about when batsmen adjust their guard box. Is that also a signal"? "I see some of them adjusting their guards very often". "You almost caught me off-guard"! "No! No!" "The Guard is the only piece of gear we never use as a signal". "The need to adjust the Guard is mainly an unmanly involuntary and spontaneous action over which the player has no control". "In early days we did use that as a signal but too many involuntary reflex actions led to a lot of confusion".

"Even Itch Guard didn't help. We treat an itch on the palm as a sign of money. An itch anywhere else means nothing to us"."So,effectively, a player can do nothing, not even scratch, without it being interpreted as a signal?"

"Well, he can scratch our backs and we often scratch his!".

(With the Tongue firmly in cheek)

5 comments:

Chittaranjan Desai said...

Hahaha! Good one! IPL has lost it's sheen for a while, but keep the towel behind bars & things will be fine again.

Vishal Kale said...

Hilarious! Top of the batch! Superb! Awesome!

(PS: Purchase a thesaurus, and edit comment: add all synonyms of the above words as well)

Vishal

Bharat R Ram said...

Thanks Vishal..

sunil said...

That is one one the funniest things that i have read in sometime.

Bharat R Ram said...

Thank you Sunil!